Relationship/Marriage Issues

What was once called “marriage counselling” has thankfully progressed a long way to including research and practice on many types of couples, married or not, traditional or contemporary and anything in between. I work with couples who are experiencing everything from wondering if they should continue their relationship, to battling with seemingly unsolvable conflicts, to rebuilding after a breach of trust, to navigating a new path after a life-changing event such as illness, having a child (or raising one!), or moving to a new area. I also see those who are hoping to be better communicators, or to work on their sexual intimacy, or to manage cultural differences. When you see me for couples counseling, you’ll meet a therapist who maintains a professional and objective stance. I work hard to connect with both members of a couple and to make sure that you both feel validated and heard, while also providing corrective feedback that can help you to see what changes you can make to help improve the functioning of your relationship.

Sexual Problems

We know from research that sexual satisfaction is correlated with, meaning it impacts, relationship satisfaction. Unfortunately, the teaching of couples therapy and sex therapy is often not done in tandem and training in sex therapy is severely lacking. Many couples therapists don’t feel skilled or comfortable discussing sexual problems with a couple. While not every relationship problem is sexual in nature, sex is an integral part of relationships and needs to be considered when talking about what else is happening in the relationship. Whether the problem is specifically about sex or not, I’ll provide a space to examine your whole relationship and your whole selves, including the sexual aspects. I am comfortable talking about sex, it’s what I talk about for a living every day, you may or may not be, and I get that! I assess where you’re at and how to meet you there, but then to guide you to a place where talking about sex with me, and with your partner, becomes comfortable and easy, as opposed to embarrassing or difficult.

Desire Discrepancy

There is not a couple on the plant who are always aligned in when, how, and why they want sex. For some couples, this is an easy fix, and the extent to which they align in their desires often matches up in a way that is “good enough”. For other couples, this is a constant source of struggle. Whether there has been desire discrepancy throughout your relationship, or during a difficult period of time, I can help the two of you to better communicate and negotiate around sexual needs. I do not take the approach of the “designated patient” as being the partner with lower desire, rather, I work with both of you to create a partnership in which desire can be cultivated and valued by both partners. Sometimes, therapy looks like more work with the person who has lower desire, perhaps with mindfulness or safe(r) activities with the partner. Sometimes it looks like more work with the partner who has more desire, on how to create a safer environment for your partner or to meet needs in other ways. Often, it is work with the couple in learning to better resolve conflicts, build trust, work through resentments and create a healthy space in which sexuality can thrive.

Communication Problems

It all boils down to communication problems! No matter what the presenting issue, this will be a topic we discuss in most therapy referrals. The first step is knowing what you want, which is not always as easy as it may sound. The second step is communicating that want in a way that elicits a constructive conversation with your partner. An equally important aspect of communication is effective and respectful listening, really listening, and not worrying about what you’re going to say next or getting distracted by your social media! I work with you on the best ways to initiate communication and to maintain healthy communication through difficult or triggering conversations. When you leave therapy, you’ll have a whole set of tools to tackle this problem with!

Infidelity

My stance on working with couples where there has been an affair (or many affairs) is to hold the partner who cheated accountable, but in a way that is not shame-based or punitive. I work with couples to help them to determine whether they want to continue with the relationship post-affair, and if they do, how to re-build trust and repair their bond. While much of the work is about healing from the affair(s), it is also about exploring the relationship and how it can be strengthened to get to a new place that is stronger and more satisfying for both partners.

Polyamory, Consensual Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships

I see a lot of people who are in polyamorous relationships and looking to resolve conflicts or to re-negotiate, typically following some change in their own relationship, such as starting a family, navigating time together with a new job or job promotion, or moving to a new area. Sometimes I see just a couple who define themselves as the “primary” partners, other times I see various combinations of members of a polyamorous relationship. Who is in the room is an important topic for us to discuss together, and may change over the course of the therapy.

I also see many couples where they are questioning whether polyamory is a good choice for them, having been so far in a monogamous partnership. Perhaps both are curious, but not sure how to start, or maybe one partner wants to open up the relationship and the other is more hesitant or outright opposed. Regardless of where you are at in your relationship(s) journey, I help by providing a judgment-free space where both partners can discuss their concerns, and feel heard. I can help to navigate building of a common language and framework for you around polyamory, and most importantly, to help create or heal the secure based and excellent communication skills that are necessary for any successful relationship, but even more so in polyamorous relationships.

Deeper Intimacy/Great Sex

Is your sex life good, but you’re looking to “spice it up” or to get to the next level of intimacy? I can work with you to turn a satisfying (or not so satisfying) sex life into “optimal” sex, as coined by Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, a Canadian sex therapist and researcher. I enjoy working with couples who are already doing well, but are looking to do even better, to be that much more vulnerable and connected with each other and to reinvigorate or begin the journey to an amazing sex life and more connected and intimate relationship overall.

General Conflicts

In couples therapy, I work with you to develop tools and techniques to deal with problems in general, but we also work through specifics. Couples often bring in arguments that have plagued the relationship for months, or even years, and we work together on stuck points and coming to a compromise, or an acceptance that you and your partner do not see “eye to eye” on every topic.