It’s Too Late… Or Is It?
Carole King, a favorite musical artist of mine, wrote (with Toni Stern), the famous song “It’s Too Late” about a couple whose relationship was over. How do we know when it is too late? So many people struggle with when to hold on and when to let go. How do I know I’ve done enough? Could I try harder? Maybe we just need some time? How do I know when to leave my husband/wife/partner?
While we can’t use a magic 8 ball (or shouldn’t anyhow) to see if a relationship can be saved (or is worth saving), there are some clear signs that a relationship is in trouble. Just because it’s in trouble doesn’t mean it’s over, but it does mean there are some serious issues to address. Some of these issues may be able to be repaired, while others are not.
1. You avoid being together, or feel alone when you are
You used to want to spend all of your time together, and now you actively work to avoid spending time alone. Perhaps you find reasons to stay late at work (or, these days, in that home office you’ve carved out in your former dining area), or you invite other people to your date nights to avoid being alone together. Great bonding time turns into zoning out in front of the television together or sitting side by side on your phones.
2. You stop going to them with your good (and bad) news
Who is the first person you want to tell your good (or bad) news to? The one you think about when you first wake up in the morning or when you’re falling asleep at night? Chances are if you’re in a new relationship, the answer is your partner. While you’re partner may not always be on your mind every waking moment of your relationship, it’s a bad sign when they are no longer one of the first people you want to share your ups and downs with.
3. Your sex life is struggling (or non-existant)
For most of us, our sex lives are not what they were early on in the relationship. Esther Perel
4. You’re not fighting fair
Fighting in and of itself is not the issue. Healthy and intimate relationships require negotiation and discussion of important issues, otherwise, it’s all just superficial. It is about how you fight that actually can determine, with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will divorce or stay together. This is research that was conducted by Gottman and Levenson who found that, the difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance of positive to negative interactions during conflicts. This important ratio is 5 positives to 1 negative. So what are positive and negative interactions? You likely already know from how you feel after an argument whether it was “fair” or not, because if you’re following the ratio, you are not left feeling bad about yourself or the relationship. Fights that contain personal attacks or criticisms, defensiveness, or dismissive actions are not fair. Fights that include expressions of affection despite the argument, good listening skills that show your partner they (and their opinion) matter, and empathy and sincere apologies are much more likely to leave you (and your partner) feeling connected and happy, if not necessarily in agreement!
5. Your life goals and values no longer seem to line up
It is important to be growing in the same directing, as opposed to parallel or opposing ones. When it comes to a shared future and dreams, sometimes we are not honest with our partners about our true wants and needs, and sometimes we’re not even honest with ourselves. Unfortunately, even if we were open and direct and honest about where we hope our lives are taking us when we first met, we don’t always end up there. Take couples in Silicon Valley, for example, where I hold my practice. Most of the couples I see have one member who “followed” the other here for work. Where we see ourselves living (and potentially raising a family) is of huge importance to many people, and for some, a move across the country (or the world) is enough to shake their confidence in their relationship. Other problems I see in my practice include changes in level (or denomination) of religiosity, differences in parenting style, or differing financial goals. Other changes are things that wedding vows may anticipate in words, but not in reality, such as chronic illness, mental health conditions, or infertility. It’s important to keep talking about the important issues as they come up, as opposed to hoping that your paths will cross again by sheer luck.
6. You see more negative than positive
When you think about your partner, what immediately comes to mind? Is it a thought that makes you smile or the recollection of an annoyance or something they did wrong? If your day to day interactions, and your memories of the relationship all have a negative spin, the road to relationship recovery is not going to be easy. This is especially true if your partner is also negative. How a couple deals with negativity is what predicts whether a marriage will survive. This has been shown by multiple researchers, including Rusbult and the Investment Model (1980, 1983) who considered relationship satisfaction to be the ratio of positive to negative affect in a relationship.
7. There has been cheating – either you’ve been unfaithful or you’ve discovered that your spouse has
While many people assume cheating is the end of the relationship, many couples are able to successfully work through infidelity, and come out stronger on the other side. Couples counselling can help a couple navigate these choppy waters of recovery by working to have the person who was unfaithful atone for their breach of trust and helping both partners to create a space where trust and respect can grow and flourish. No matter what anyone else might say, there is no shame in staying with a partner who has been unfaithful, but there is also no shame in leaving if this is what you determine to be the best course of action. It is important to consider both options carefully before coming to any rash decisions.
8. The relationship is physically, sexually, or psychologically abusive
This is the one issue that is NOT repairable, at least not without the intervention of a very experienced therapist. If you are not safe in the relationship, it is essential that you reach out for help. No one deserves to be abused. If you, or someone you know, is being abused call a 24-hour hotline, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE).
9. You keep wondering if you should leave
Often, when we’re feeling uncertain about a decision or confused, it is because, deep down, we know the right answer, we’re just not ready to face it. If you are constantly thinking about leaving, but fear of change, or fear of being alone, or fear of logistically separating the tangential items of your lives is holding you back, you may want to address these things in therapy and decide if these are reasons to stay, or if you’re missing out on a life that could be so much more fulfilling.
If you decide to stay in a relationship with any of the above warning signs, you’re deciding to put in some hard work and take a serious look at not only your partner, but at yourself as well. So, while keeping status quo is typically the easier of two solutions, staying is not always the easy path to take if you really want a successful and healthy relationship! On the other hand, if you decide to leave, in addition to the potential logistics of separating, you likely still have to do some work on yourself so that you can make more informed decisions for next time. It is so important to know that leaving is not “failing”. Leaving may sometimes be the healthiest choice for your well-being and for your partner’s. Why stay somewhere that you’re miserable or unsatisfied?